I was once asleep, going through life on autopilot in a hurry. It seemed that I was always “too late” to claim what I wanted and riddled with abject doubt that I deserved it. Through the tough terrain of a bad breakup, I would learn a few crucial life lessons that I share in this post. But, long before clarity came, there was the whisper of conflict brewing beneath the surface.
I woke up every day into the chaos of my obligations, drank the same tea, pushed through the same routine, and smiled the same smile. My life looked great on paper — stable, predictable, respectable. But beneath the surface, something inside me was tapping the glass, whispering, Is this it? Is this all?
I ignored it for years. Busyness can be a badge of honor.
But I had a comfortable life. I achieved a college degree, felt happily married, had a mortgage, enjoyed an impressive designer handbag collection, and seasonal vacations on repeat.
I thought I had what I was supposed to want. Until an apocalyptic-like bad breakup busted a hole in my world…
Then, I had the rare-in-a-lifetime chance to completely shift my perspective and reexamine what was important to me. It has been a journey of 8 years and counting.
What I thought was an ending turned out to be a rupture in the illusion. Everything I leaned on for stability—titles (“the good girl”), roles (“the successful professional”), routines (“the safe job”)—felt like a stale performance.
I didn’t heal overnight. I stumbled. Sobbed. Sat in silence. I read books, hired a therapist and a small army of coaches, quit the safe job, prayed, cursed, forgave others, forgave myself, and ultimately, rebooted my life according to my new awareness about who I am and what truly makes me happy.
These are the life lessons I’ve learned in my walk as a woman, on a continual pursuit of wholeness and joy, especially after a bad breakup.
What follows is no over-the-counter prescription. This list is pulled from my internal growth archives, truths I earned the hard way, the authentic way.
17 LIFE LESSONS
1. INTEGRITY AND ALIGNMENT ARE TWIN KINGS. If you feel obligated (i.e., “I should…”) but not motivated, then it is not in alignment. If it’s not in alignment, then integrity demands that I hold my boundary or shift into intentional self-sacrifice (not from guilt but for a purpose).
2. KNOWLEDGE IS OVERRATED. There are two dangerous words in the English language: “I know”. The moment we know anything, we stop being open to discovering something new.
3. DOING “NOTHING” IS A BADGE OF HONOR. Taking time to unplug, wander aimlessly, or simply enjoy the little things is not lazy. It is a form of self-care. To embrace this is to resist hustle-culture.
4. TIME IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN MONEY. If you have time, you can make more money. There will always be bills. There will not always be time. Yet, there is always time for the most important thing.
5. PEOPLE ARE FULL OF CONTRADICTIONS. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. You can feel love and resentment at the same time for the same person. When I was healing from the shock of divorce, and when I was trying to find a way to heal my past, I held many conflicting emotions. At times, I wanted what was wrong for me. I learned to breathe into the feelings, notice them, and let them pass through.
6. RELEASE OTHERS TO THEIR CHOICES. One of the most difficult lessons I have learned is to disagree with someone’s choices without holding my breath. You are the only one who suffers when you resent the free-will decisions of others, simply because you disagree.
7. YOUR CALLING WILL KEEP CALLING. If you have the vision, it is an invitation for you alone. Refuse the call and always wonder what would have happened. You might find that you will keep going to different places yet finding yourself in the same place, at the corner of Follow the Calling, or take the detour.
8. KNOW YOURSELF. It is the cheat code to confidence. You become powerfully whole and influential when you know what you want, who you are (including your shadow side), and why.
9. TELLING THE TRUTH IS A FORM OF HEALING. One slippery habit to break is lying. To others, to ourselves most of all. Saying the truth out loud—especially in a safe space—can have a healing effect that allows us to release shame, guilt, and hiding. It takes tremendous energy to hide or suppress the truth. When we tell the truth, we reclaim that energy for positive, proactive, creative expression.
10. NOT EVERYTHING LOST IS A LOSS. Sometimes losing something or someone adds value by subtracting conflict.
11. YES, YOU CAN. You are capable of so much more than you can imagine. Everything is possible. Just know that not everything is for you. What is for you will find you. Remember lesson #7.
12. SLOW DOWN. Or you will miss your purpose. Don’t stare so hard at the goal line that you miss the wins along the way.
13. KNOW YOUR WORTH. No human gets to define your value. Nobody will respect you more than you respect yourself. If someone doesn’t recognize your value, know that they do not have the final word on loving you in the way you deserve to be loved. Refer to lesson #6.
14. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY. They made their choices. You must make yours. Stay in your lane.
15. MIND YOUR BELIEFS. Whatever you believe will free you or imprison you. Choose wisely. Let your beliefs empower you.
16. HEAL FOR JOY. You will have experiences that make you feel small, unworthy, abandoned, invisible, or misunderstood. It might cause you trauma. It will be hard sometimes. Choose to heal—not to handle more trauma—but to be able to experience joy without guilt. Your default state is joy. Always.
17. YOU ARE NEVER TRULY ALONE. There will be times when you feel alone, even in a crowded room. You will suffer loss. You will experience shock at people’s deceptions. But you are always connected to love, by love, through love. If you have trouble believing that, then that is the work—really, the mission—you must accept.
THE JOURNEY CONTINUES
I am still learning. Still unlearning. Still breaking and rebuilding. But I am awake now. And if any life lessons I shared here resonate with you, then maybe—just maybe—you are waking up too.
If so, welcome. Your uprising has already begun.
Shadow Work
A Journaling invitation
